


The Simplest Things

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 13:53:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11381544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: A Survival Instinct episode addition. Like the Borg baby, Marika Willkarah – the Bajoran engineer, who was assimilated by the Borg at Wolf 359 and member of Seven of Nine’s original unimatrix – was another character who disappeared without a trace. Here is my take on what happened to her and those around her in the final month of her life.





	The Simplest Things

Even the sick bay doors seemed listless and their hiss mournful as she walked slowly out of the dimly lit bay. Kathryn’s thoughts skipped from one ridiculous thought to the next as the doors slid shut behind her. She stood for a moment in the corridor, squinting into the harsh light, then leant wearily against the wall beside the door and tried to clear her mind. The past several hours had left her gutted. Marika was gone. Dead and gone. It seemed unreal, as only the death of someone taken before their time can be. Kathryn had only known her for a little over three weeks, but her passing hit hard. Much harder than she could ever have imagined. They’d become close, dear friends and it was almost impossible to believe she was no longer with them.

Kathryn looked up and down the corridor. It all seemed so familiar, but at the same time, it was different. The light was too bright, the walls too grey and the ceiling too low. She felt different. She’d known Marika Willkarah in life and had lived through her death, and she was now forever changed.

They’d known she was going to die. She and Marika had talked openly about it and Kathryn thought she’d been prepared. But the woman had been so full of life right up until the end that the reality was hard to comprehend and her passing left an aching void.

It had been a gentle death, quiet and dignified. Thanks, in most part, to the kind ministrations of the Doctor, but also to the courage and spirit of the woman herself. It was going to take Kathryn time to come to terms with this loss. She took any death to heart, and some losses she felt more keenly than others, but this woman had touched her deeply and her grief was a raw nerve.

Not only had she become her friend and confidante, Marika had been the catalyst that had changed her life.

As Kathryn wandered slowly up the corridor of deck five she thought back to the unusual circumstances that had brought this extraordinary woman into their lives.

It had all started on the Markonian Outpost several weeks ago……

“Disengage docking clamps, Mr Paris, and ahead one quarter impulse. Lay in a course for home and when we’re clear of the station, warp six.”

“Aye, Captain.” There was a hollow thunk as the clamps from the Outpost fell away from Voyager’s hull. Tom manoeuvred the ship away from the docking pylons and set course, dropping to warp on a heading towards the Alpha Quadrant.

Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief. They’d been enjoying their brief stopover on the bustling space station, but their delight had been short lived. They now had a new passenger. Marika Willkarah, a Bajoran Engineer from the USS Excalibur. She was a ‘survivor’ from the battle at Wolf 359. Assimilated by the Borg almost ten years before, she, along with two other drones had managed to escape the collective, but their disassimilation had resulted in dire complications and they had only weeks to live.

A member of Seven of Nine’s original Unimatrix, she’d found her way on board with her two companions in search of a cure for their destructive interlink. In the end it had been revealed, through tragic circumstances, that Seven of Nine had been responsible for joining the three drones in a collective triad. In their attempt to sever the link their higher brain functions had been damaged irreparably. They’d been left with a choice. Imminent death or a return to the Collective. A few weeks as individuals or a lifetime as a drone. They’d chosen to live as individuals for the short time they had left. Marika’s two companions, Lansor and P’Chan had left Voyager – Lansor’s wish was to live out his days amongst the people of the Markonian outpost, to be surrounded by life before his death. P’Chan had left for an uninhabited planet, to spend his last days in the open air, in silence and solitude.

Marika had asked to stay on Voyager. She wanted to spend what was left of her life aboard a Federation ship, amongst familiar faces and familiar things. Kathryn had acquiesced to her request knowing it was the least they could do for the unfortunate woman. She’d arranged for her to be assigned quarters and given access to all the ship’s facilities.

Having organised the woman’s immediate requirements, Kathryn hadn’t thought much more about Marika Willkarah. She’d spoken to Chakotay and the Doctor about ensuring that all the woman’s needs were met, and leaving the responsibility of her care in their capable hands she’d turned her mind to the business of running the ship. Two days later, Kathryn’s life was changed. Who would have thought that a simple cup of coffee shared would be the catalyst for such momentous re-evaluation of her life. Sometimes it’s just the simplest things.

It was late evening and Kathryn was sitting in the darkened mess hall with her pot of coffee and her computer, going over the stores list and worrying about where they were going to find Pergium and Galacite in this part of the quadrant. The doors hissed open and she turned to see the unfamiliar silhouette of the ex drone, Marika Willkarah. The woman walked straight up to Kathryn’s table and took a seat opposite. Kathryn was a little taken aback, but used to Seven’s abrupt ways, she faced the woman and smiled. “Good evening, Ms Willkarah. Can I help you with something?”

Marika folded her arms and sat back in her chair and gave the captain a small smile. “Not really. Some company would be nice though. It’s a bit lonely on the ship at this time of the night and I’m not used to being alone. I didn’t feel like joining everyone in Sandrines.” She gave a half laugh. “I’m not good in crowds either. You don’t mind if I join you?”

Kathryn turned off her computer terminal and shook her head. “No, not at all. I was all but finished anyway. Coffee?”

“Yes, thank you.” Kathryn made a move to get up, but Marika laid her hand on her arm. “No, stay there, I’ll get it.” She moved to the kitchen and collected a mug then called over to Kathryn. “Do you need another pot, Captain, or is there enough?”

Kathryn picked up the carafe from the table only to find that it was nearly empty. She laughed. “Is there ever enough? No, we’ll need another pot, I’m afraid. Neelix usually hides one or two away for me. They’ll be behind the large saucepan.”

Marika found a new pot and brought it back to the table and poured a fresh cup for both of them. She raised her mug in salute. “Kejal.”

Kathryn raised hers in return. “Freedom.” Echoing the Bajoran word in Federation standard. It was an interesting toast, Kathryn thought. Multilayered and complex, in light of both their situations.

They sipped their coffee in silence. It was a comfortable silence, neither woman feeling the need to talk over the quiet. Eventually Kathryn placed her empty cup on the table, looked at the other woman and spoke softly. “How are you settling in, Ms Willkarah? Are you comfortable?”

Marika smiled. “Yes, thank you, Captain, and please call me Marika. I like hearing my name. I haven’t heard it spoken for many years and it’s… comforting.”

Kathryn smiled. “I understand, Marika. I rarely hear my name spoken either.” Kathryn looked at the woman opposite. She was of a similar age, and although Kathryn didn’t remember her, according to her Starfleet records they were at the Academy at around the same time. She would have been in the Engineering stream whereas Kathryn had been in the Sciences and then Command streams. Not surprisingly, their paths had never crossed until, bizarrely, out here in the far reaches of the Delta Quadrant. For the first time in years here was someone to whom she could relate, and who wasn’t under her command. She made a decision. “Marika, would you call me Kathryn?”

Marika smiled. “I’d be honoured.” She tilted her head to the side and studied the human captain. “It must be lonely for you too, Kathryn. Out here with no other captains or ranking officers. I don’t envy you.”

Kathryn blinked. She thought that was a strange thing to say for a woman who had only weeks to live. It seemed very odd not to envy someone who, if good luck prevailed, would live a long and fruitful life. Kathryn frowned as the realisation took hold. Her own life might be long, but chances were it would not be fruitful. The word ‘alone’ screamed from her subconscious.

Marika smiled gently at Kathryn. “You looked puzzled, Kathryn. Does that surprise you? The fact that I won’t be here in a month’s time, yet I feel a little sorry for you?”

Kathryn nodded, warily eyeing the woman opposite. Her forthrightness unnerved her. “Yes, it does a little. I think I would feel cheated if I was in your place.”

“Hmmm. I’m not surprised you’d feel that way. I think you already feel cheated.” Kathryn felt a stab of discomfort at that perceptive observation.

Marika noticed the flash in Kathryn’s eyes. “I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable but I’ve noticed over the last few days… You live a lonely life, Kathryn. You’re surrounded by people who love and care for you, but you hold yourself aloof and distant. Don’t you miss having someone … anyone beside you?”

Kathryn felt a sense panic as the loneliness swelled within her and pushed at her restraints. How was it that this woman seemed to be able to see past all her well established facades? With a certain amount of bitterness in her voice she countered. “I can’t afford to become too close to my subordinates. You were a Starfleet officer. Surely you understand that?”

Marika smiled sadly but was undaunted, speaking matter-of-factly. “You know, now that my time is limited, I understand a lot of things a whole lot better than I did when I had a lifetime ahead of me. I know for certain that time is a gift and it’s not to be squandered. You never know what’s around the corner and you should live life to the full. Every moment counts and that’s what I intend to do for the next few weeks. I have a lifetime to squeeze into a month and…” She looked inquiringly at Kathryn. “… perhaps you could come along for the ride. You might find what you’re missing. I need a friend, Kathryn, and…” Marika leaned forward and held Kathryn’s gaze. “I’ve decided that you are going to be that friend.”

This conversation was making Kathryn very uncomfortable, and she pulled away slightly. But Marika was undeterred. Her imminent demise had freed her of the usual constraints.

Kathryn attempted to distance herself. “Marika, I don’t think that it’s appropriate….”

“What? It’s not appropriate for the Captain to have a friend? I don’t remember reading that regulation anywhere. Come on, Kathryn. I’ve read your file. You like to sail. I’ve never sailed, and I’d like to try that before I die. I’m sure you’ve never rappelled down the Cliffs of Undahar and that’s where I’m going to take you first.”

“I don’t know if….”

Marika was not going to let her back out of this. “I’ll make a deal with you, Kathryn. If you don’t like throwing yourself off a cliff, then you get to choose the next adventure.”

“I….”

She was persistent. “What are you afraid of, Kathryn? Are you worried that you won’t enjoy it… or worried that you will?”

That stung. Kathryn was about to protest again, but then realised that it was more out of habit than anything else. And of course there was the challenge.

Marika wasn’t one of her crew. Maybe she could be friends with this woman and be there for her during these final weeks of her life. In a way she owed the woman this and besides, she’d never abseiled and had always wanted to. What harm could there be. Kathryn Janeway never backed away from a challenge. The tension left her shoulders and she smiled. “Alright, you’re on. Tomorrow at 14:00. I’ll meet you outside holodeck two. Pitons at the ready.”

Marika laughed. “That’s the spirit.” She stood then. “Well, I might just go to Sandrine’s now and see what that troublesome pilot of yours is up to. Care to join me? I’m buying.”

Kathryn looked at her computer and then at the woman in front of her. Marika’s enthusiasm was contagious. “Alright, one drink and then I have to go. I’ve still got reports to get finished.”

Marika grinned and they left the mess hall together to join the crew in Sandrine’s.

Standing in the corridor outside the holodeck they could hear the muted hubbub of the crew enjoying themselves but the noise increased tenfold as the holodeck doors hissed open. When the patrons noticed who had just entered the noise level dropped considerably and some of the more junior crew scattered. Kathryn pretended that she didn’t notice their discomfort, but it was hard to ignore. They were unused to seeing her here and for the first time in a long while that thought made her sad. Marika was right. They respected her and she could even say that many of them cared deeply for her, but they also feared her and were uncomfortable in her presence.

Some, of course, were not. Tom approached. “Good evening, Captain. Marika, it’s good to see you. I see you’ve brought the big guns. It won’t work. I’ve been practicing. I know I can beat you now, Captain. Shall I… rack ‘em up?”

Kathryn caught a glimpse of Chakotay standing behind the pool table leaning against his cue. He was smiling warmly in her direction. Marika followed her gaze and a flash of recognition glinted in her eyes. Hmmm, interesting.

Chakotay raised an eyebrow, almost in challenge and Kathryn couldn’t help but rise to the occasion. “Very well, Mr Paris. If for no other reason than to wipe that smirk off your face. Rack ‘em up.”

Chakotay’s face broke into a beaming smile. He moved over to her side and spoke quietly. “I suppose you’d like my stick, Captain?”

Kathryn glared at him and Marika laughed. “I see you’ve been here before, Kathryn?”

Chakotay again raised his eyebrows at the use of her name. He grinned at Marika. “Yes, she has, but not for a long time. Good evening, Marika.”

She smiled in return. “Chakotay.” Leaning in front of Kathryn she whispered loudly to Chakotay. “Who should I put my money on?”

Kathryn stood rigidly, pretending not to notice as Chakotay leant across in front of her as well. “I always put my money on the boss.”

Marika nodded sagely. “Wise choice.” She motioned to someone in the background, and holding up her hand called out. “Five on the Captain to win.”

Kathryn turned her head to see who was taking the bets but Chakotay whispered in her ear. “Don’t look, Kathryn. What you don’t know about, your First Officer doesn’t have to do anything about.”

His warm breath sent a shiver down her spine and as he pulled back and looked at her, she noticed his lips twitching as he suppressed a smile. Hard pressed to stop a smile from breaking across her features she muttered. “Noted.” Then raised her eyebrow at him and turned away slowly.

Tom called across the room. “Captain, when you’re ready.”

Chakotay held out his cue and Kathryn took it. “Thank you, Commander.”

He smirked and spoke so only she could hear. “Anytime, Kathryn. My stick is your stick.”

Kathryn’s eyes widened at the blatant innuendo, but his face remained impassive. She stared at him for a long moment trying to see if she could make him squirm, but Paris broke her concentration. “Uh, Captain, the balls aren’t going to move by themselves.”

Kathryn gave Chakotay a ‘you’ll keep’ look and headed over to the table.

Marika stood back and watched the proceedings with a knowing grin. Her mission was now clear. Not only was going to help the Captain start living her life again, she was going to ensure that Kathryn shared that life with the man who loved her.

B’Elanna sidled over to Marika. “Hi, Marika. It’s good to see you here.” Marika smiled at her and they turned as they heard Tom groan having missed a sitter of a shot. Their attention was diverted by the game for a few minutes, but then B’Elanna gave Marika a slight nudge with her elbow. “How on earth did you persuade the Captain to come? She hasn’t been down here in… Kahless, it must be years. It’s great to see.”

Marika just shrugged her shoulders. “I dared her, sort of.”

“Well bravo for you. I just hope she thrashes Tom. I’ve got ten rations riding on her to win.”

Just then a roar of laughter erupted from the table where the Captain was playing. Quite a crowd had gathered to watch and she’d sunk the eight ball in what should have been an impossible shot. Tom was looking suitably put out. He would have to get a whole lot better before he could beat her at this.

Marika was watching Chakotay as he watched Kathryn. His love for his captain was plain to see and as he felt her eyes on him he turned in her direction. Marika smiled. He returned her smile, not the least bit concerned that she had seen his open look of adoration for Kathryn. She nodded and smiled thinking of her own husband and not for the first time wondering what had happened to him. She’d already scoured the public access data-base here on Voyager, but there had been no information available.

It had been ten years ago but for most of that time she’d been an emotionless drone in the Borg collective. She’d only regained her individuality a matter of months ago, so in reality her grief was still fresh and to find some sort of closure she needed to know what had happened to him and to grieve his loss. She would ask either Chakotay or Kathryn about how to access that information.

Nanlas had been a medical technician on the Excalibur and was working in sick bay the day of the battle at Wolf 359. He’d contacted her briefly just before they’d been boarded by the Borg. They’d told one another that they loved each other and that was the last she’d heard of him. Dear gentle Nanlas, she missed him, and hoped that he hadn’t suffered.

Marika was unaware that Kathryn had moved to her side. She turned and smiled as Kathryn laid her hand on her arm. “Marika, are you alright? You look very sad.”

Marika patted Kathryn’s hand. “Yes, I am a little. I was thinking of my husband, Nanlas. Watching your Chakotay and how he looks at you, reminded me of him.”

Kathryn’s head whipped around to find her first officer smiling at her with warm loving eyes and a knowing look. Kathryn dragged her eyes away and took a deep breath. Marika moved forward a little to see Kathryn’s face and noticed the telltale blush. “See why it reminded me of my husband? He used to look at me like that.”

Kathryn frowned at her. “Please, Marika. This is awkward enough. I don’t want any of the crew overhearing.”

Marika laughed. “Kathryn, the way he looks at you, I don’t think it’s a secret how he feels about you.” She moved in front of Kathryn, noting her blush. “And I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think your feelings are much of a secret either.”

“Marika!”

“Kathryn!” she mimicked. “Relax. Do you see anybody fussing or worrying about it?”

Kathryn looked around the room. Things had settled somewhat and nobody was paying them any mind. The atmosphere was very companionable and the novelty of her arrival had long since worn off. As she was looking over to the right of the room there was a touch to her arm and Chakotay’s soft voice whispered past her left ear. “Kathryn, would you like a drink? I know where Tom keeps the good stuff.” He turned to Marika. “A glass of real Beaujolais for you, Marika?”

She could feel Kathryn stiffen beside her as she answered. “Yes, I’d love a glass, thank you, Chakotay. Kathryn, you’ll have one too?”

Kathryn nodded. “Yes, thank you, Chakotay.”

Chakotay pointed to a table over near the fireplace where B’Elanna and Tom were sitting. “That’s my table over there. Back in a moment.”

Kathryn turned to Marika. “Please don’t, Marika. It’s taken us years to get comfortable with this. I don’t want our rapport disrupted at this point.”

“Rapport? Is that what they’re calling it these days?” She laughed at Kathryn’s dismayed look.

Kathryn was suddenly feeling unsure. “No they don’t, but for us that’s all it can ever be. Perhaps I should go. I still have those reports to do.”

“So you’re not denying it? Well, that’s a relief.”

Kathryn turned to her new friend and looked at her with eyes bright with feeling. Marika was taken aback by the intensity of Kathryn’s look. “I would never try to deny it. It’s everything to me, but I can’t do anything about it out here and that’s my cross to bear.”

Marika could feel tears welling as she looked at the woman in front of her who was sacrificing so much and so bravely. She spoke softly, feeling her friend’s pain. “Kathryn, you’re not a saint and no one expects you to take all the burdens upon yourself. It’s not healthy… and it’s not right.” She was tempted to turn and look at Chakotay but didn’t. She made her point though. “Kathryn, you’re not the only one making the sacrifice. Have you thought of that?”

Kathryn shrugged her shoulders. “It’s the only way I know.” She held Marika’s eyes for several heartbeats and then looked over Marika’s shoulder, a cheerful smile replacing the longing. “Ah, Chakotay, thank you. Come on, you two, before we lose our seats.”

Marika turned to Chakotay. He gave her a small shrug and smiled sadly. “One day.”

Marika looked at the retreating back of Kathryn Janeway and turned to the man at her side. “Soon. One day soon.”

They followed her to the table and spent the next couple of hours laughing and enjoying the lively company.

* * *

Kathryn sat slumped in her command chair. She’d stayed up much later than she’d intended last night and was suffering for it today, although she couldn’t deny that she’d had a wonderful time. It had been years since she’d spent a night in Sandrine’s and had thoroughly enjoyed herself. She made a mental note to make sure that she visited there more often. Tom and B’Elanna had made a point of offering to tell her the next time there was a planned get together and that Tom expected her to be there to defend her title as champion. He had a new focus in life. He was going to beat Kathryn Janeway at pool even if it took him the rest of the way to the Alpha Quadrant to do it. She’d laughed at his bravado, but looked forward to the challenge.

Chakotay arrived on the bridge after spending a few hours in his office dealing with crew issues. “Good morning, Captain.”

“Commander.” She sat up a little straighter in her seat. “How are you this morning?”

“I’m very well, thank you. A little more awake than others, I see.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. “I’m not used to having fun, it seems.”

“Well that’s something that’s easily remedied. I understand you’re going to be climbing mountains this afternoon.”

“God, I hope not. I’m going down a mountain, not up. Marika is going to show me how to rappel down the Cliffs of Undahar.”

“Sounds like fun.” He raised his eyebrows and smiled that smile. She felt the longing right down to her boots, and taking a deep breath gave him a quick smile in return, then stood. “Well, I’ll leave the bridge in your capable hands, Commander. I’ve got work to do before my ‘fun’.” She gave him a quick nod and trotted down the stairs and through the doors of her ready room before he could answer.

She’d felt his eyes on her retreating back and took a steadying breath as the doors closed behind her. Marika’s stirring had reawakened feelings and yearnings that Kathryn thought she’d long ago put aside. Apparently they weren’t too far aside.

She sat at her desk staring at the pile of padds in front of her. Marika’s words echoed from the night before. ‘You’re not the only one making the sacrifice.’ She frowned. He seemed happy enough. They didn’t socialise as much as they used to, and Kathryn realised that was mostly her fault. She found it difficult. The line between friends, officers and lovers was very blurry where Chakotay was concerned, and she struggled with it. Avoiding the issue had become her way of dealing with it, but it wasn’t a terribly satisfactory remedy. It was also unusual for her. She’d always been one to tackle a dilemma straight on, but it was complicated with Chakotay and she had a distinct feeling that once that door was opened it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to close. But that didn’t stop her from fantasising about what might be. Her fantasies had kept her sane over the years and were something that she held dear to her heart. Her feelings were complex. No, she amended. Her feelings were quite simple. She loved him, but what to do about it was complicated.

They had a command structure to maintain. Regulations, although vague, implied that relationships between commanding officers were not the accepted norm. There had been exceptions over the years, but they were few and far between. Perhaps if she was braver, emotionally braver, then she could think about changing the parameters of their relationship, but as things stood, just the thought of losing him with her heart totally invested, sent waves of fear rolling through her. No, it was better to keep her distance and stay away from temptation. Things ran better this way and maybe one day if they made it back to the Alpha Quadrant, they could explore their feelings in more depth. The voice of reason spoke loudly, but there was this persistent and irritating chatter coming from behind that she was finding very difficult to ignore. She loved him and wanted him. The chatter was getting louder and louder. She shook herself and moved from her desk to the replicator. Ordering a coffee, she tamped down her longing and got back to the matters at hand. She took a seat behind her desk again and picked up the first padd on the pile and began her work. The chatter persisted.

There were only a few padds left when her door chimed and Chakotay walked into the room. Kathryn looked up. “What can I do for you, Commander?”

“It’s 13:30 and I thought you might join me for lunch before you set off on your abseiling adventure.”

Kathryn nodded. She’d been unaware of the time. “What has Neelix got on offer today?”

“I’m afraid it’s Leola root surprise. If your rations can stand it, I think a replicated sandwich is in order.”

“Thank you for the warning. A sandwich it is then.”

They chatted quietly about ship’s business over their lunch and laughed about the latest spate of practical jokes sweeping the lower decks. Apparently someone had replicated a rubber chicken and it kept turning up in the most unlikely places. “Did you know at dinner last night Neelix fished it out of a pot of his angla’ bosque, much to the delight of the gamma shift. I’m waiting to find it perched on the tactical station or even in the Captain’s chair.” Chakotay’s eyes twinkled as he teased.

“They wouldn’t dare.” Kathryn turned and looked at him with an amused frown. “Would they?”

“You never know. Especially with the new fun loving Captain at the helm. The crew were thrilled to see you in Sandrine’s last night. They like to see you relaxing and having fun.” He smiled warmly. “So do I.”

Kathryn smiled and patted his knee. “Thank you, Chakotay. I did enjoy myself last night and I will make a point of joining in more often.” She gave him a wry smile. “I don’t think I’m going to have much choice. I’ve become Marika’s pet project. She’s on a mission to re-humanise Kathryn Janeway.”

He looked at her gently. “The Kathryn Janeway I know is very human.”

Her gaze locked with his and they stared at one another for a long moment. Kathryn could feel herself being drawn in by his warmth and she jolted back when her combadge chirped. “Willkarah to Janeway. Where are you Kathryn?”

Kathryn slapped her combadge. “I’m on my way, Marika. I was just held up for a moment.”

She sounded flustered and Marika noticed. “Oh, are you there, Chakotay? Sorry.” Kathryn rolled her eyes and looked away.

“Hello, Marika. I was just having lunch with the Captain. Enjoy your climb.” He stood up trying to hide the flush that had risen in his cheeks. “I’ll see you later, Kathryn. Have fun.”

Marika interrupted. “Don’t worry, Chakotay. She will. Even if I have to force her at phaser point.”

Kathryn shook her head and he smiled as he left her ready room.

A half an hour later Kathryn was at the top of the famous Bajoran cliffs teetering on the edge of the precipice. They’d had a few practice runs on some smaller drops, but it took real courage to throw yourself over from this great height. Kathryn looked down. Damn, it was a long way.

“Come on, Kathryn. You can do it.” Marika was about 10 metres to her right and several metres below. “I’ll have to tell Tom Paris that you chickened out. They’re probably making book on this somewhere on the ship. By the way, did you know you run a ship full of shysters and gamblers? Oh, and I must tell you about that other ‘thing’ I found down on deck fifteen.”

“What did you find on deck fifteen?” Kathryn wobbled precariously. “And we don’t have that many shysters, really.”

“Hmm. Whatever you say, Cap’n Hawks.”

“What? Whoa!!” Kathryn wobbled again, and began mumbling to herself. “You can do this. Deep breaths, Kathryn.” She loosened her hold on the rope and let it slip through the pulley. She backed down the rock face a few metres. Pushing herself away from the rock with her feet she slid more rope through the pulley. She landed back on the cliff. That was fun. She did it again, and again and began to get into a rhythm. Kicking herself away from the rock face and sliding down the rope. It made a very satisfactory whizzing sound as it ran through the pulley. She was doing it and it was huge fun. She grinned over at Marika and yelled. “This is great.”

Marika yelled back. “I know. It’s almost as good as sex.”

“What!!??” Kathryn turned quickly and lost her footing and her rhythm. The rope whizzed through the pulley for a few heart stopping seconds and then the safety catch took hold. Kathryn jolted to a stop and then banged into the cliff wall with a thud. She dangled in stunned silence on the end of her rope.

Marika lowered herself quickly to Kathryn’s level and called out. “Kathryn! Kathryn!! Are you alright?” She swung across to grab Kathryn’s rope but missed. She swore.

Kathryn shook her head and did a quick inventory and called out. “I’m fine, I’m fine.” Everything was moving and nothing hurt too much. She righted herself just as Marika swung back to her side. “You’re alright. Sweet Prophets, I thought I’d killed you by mentioning sex. What a way to go.” She steadied herself and looked Kathryn up and down. “Are you sure you’re not hurt? Chakotay won’t be pleased if I break you.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes but couldn’t help smiling. “No, I’m fine. It just goes to show you how long it is since I’ve thought of sex, that the mere word can send me hurtling down a cliff.”

Marika snorted. “I won’t even ask how long it is since you’ve done it. That could be positively catastrophic.”

Kathryn started to chuckle and then the pair of them broke down and laughed hysterically, still dangling in midair half way down the cliff face. Finally Kathryn gained some control. “Ok, if we’re going to talk sex, I have to be on solid ground at least. Preferably in a dimly lit bar with a couple of snifters of good brandy under my belt.”

Marika raised her eyebrows and smiled. “I’ll remember that. Next time maybe. We still have to make it down the rest of the way. Are you okay to keep going?”

Kathryn checked her equipment. Everything seemed to be in working order. “Yes, I’m right to go.”

They made their way to the ground without further incident. Both women were exhausted but exhilarated after their experience. Resting in the shade of a tree while having a drink of water, Marika turned to Kathryn. “Well, are we sailing tomorrow? I promise not to mention sex when you’re hanging from the mast tying the mainsail.”

Kathryn looked sideways at her friend and laughed. “Thank you, that’s very generous of you.” She put the cap on her bottle of water. “Yes, sailing on Lake George.” Her eyes became distant. “My family has a house there and we used to holiday there every year. I have such wonderful memories of that place.” She turned and looked at Marika. “It’s very special to me.”

“I’m very touched that you’re willing to share it with me. I’ll look forward to it.” Marika stood up and offered Kathryn a hand up, which she gratefully accepted. “Now about this bar, brandy and sex talk……?”

Kathryn gave her another sideways glance and raised her eyebrows. “That’s for later. Much later.” Kathryn brushed imaginary dirt from her clothes to hide her discomfort then changed the subject. “Well. I’ve got work to do. Thank you very much for today, Marika. I enjoyed myself immensely.”

Marika frowned as Kathryn stepped away. She held her arm gently to stop her rushing off. “Kathryn, I’m sorry. I’ve made you uncomfortable. It wasn’t my intention. I’m a little out of practice with all this.” She gestured towards Kathryn and the holodeck.

Kathryn shook her head. “No, Marika, it’s not you, it’s me. How pathetic am I? You’ve spent the last 10 years in the collective and you’re far more relaxed than I am. I’m so out of practice, it almost makes me want to cry. I’ll get better at it, I promise. I used to be quite a lot of fun to be around. I think I’ve just forgotten.”

Marika smiled. “You’re still fun, Kathryn. Don’t worry about that. If you can forgive my gaffs and ‘boots ‘n all’ attitude, I’m sure we can get past a bit of hesitance on your part. Come on. I’ll shout you a coffee in the mess hall before you go back to work.”

They exited the holodeck chatting about Lake George and sailing.

The following weeks flew by. Kathryn hadn’t enjoyed herself so much in years. The days seemed shorter, work seemed less onerous and the crew were appreciating the more approachable and happier captain. Crew morale was at an all time high. Marika had been like a breath of fresh air for the entire crew.

The time she spent with Marika was full of laughter and joy. The only exception being the previous evening when they’d spent a very sad few hours tracing the fate of Marika’s husband, Nanlas. Kathryn had enlisted Seven’s help and they had finally found the information they needed. He’d been listed as a casualty of Wolf 359 and Starfleet records noted that his body had been recovered and he’d been buried on Bajor by his family.

It was news that Marika had been prepared for and in some way had hoped for. The alternative, assimilation by the Borg, was too awful to contemplate. Kathryn had held Marika as she cried and had comforted her friend as she spoke of the quiet but passionate young man whom she’d loved with abandon. When Marika’s tears were spent and she’d calmed, she spoke of her relief in knowing that he hadn’t been assimilated and took comfort in the knowledge that their paghs would soon be reunited in the Celestial Temple.

Kathryn had been very moved by Marika’s words and her thoughts had again turned to Chakotay. Although Marika’s grief had been intense, Kathryn almost felt envious. Marika had the memory of Nanlas and their shared life and love to comfort her. They knew that they had loved one another and that the time they’d spent together had been precious and real.

She’d left Marika that night with her thoughts in turmoil. How would she feel if something happened to Chakotay? Would the fact that she hadn’t acknowledged their love save her from this soul numbing grief or would it add a caustic edge to her loss, which would eat away at her slowly, leaving only a bitter shell? Would she be forever haunted by what ifs and could have beens? The resounding answer was, yes.

She’d lain awake most of that night with scenarios of death and destruction buzzing through her mind like a swarm of angry bees.

Dragging herself out of bed the next morning she dressed and made her way to the bridge. She holed up in her ready room for most of the day. Those chattering voices had become a raucous crowd battering at her defences. Like an automaton, she’d plodded through her duties, her mind feverishly preoccupied with thoughts of life and love and loss. At 18:30 the chime rang. She knew who it would be.

“Come.”

She was sitting looking out the viewport, her mind still awash with worries. Turning she found her first officer standing just inside the doors with a worried frown on his face.

“Kathryn? Are you alright?” He took a few steps forward.

She gave him a wan smile. “I don’t think I am, but I’m not sure what to do about it.”

He moved swiftly and sat beside her, close, but not touching. She ached for him.

He spoke quietly. “Marika told me what happened last night. That must have been difficult. She’s very grateful but also worried about you. Do you want to talk about it?”

Kathryn shook her head, his presence so calming and peaceful. “No, not at the moment. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

He nodded and pulled away slightly taking her reluctance as a gentle rebuff. “Well, if you ever do, you know where I am.”

Kathryn’s eyes misted at his kindness and at the thought that she’d hurt his feelings. “Always here when I need you.”

“Kathryn?”

“That’s where you always are. Here by my side, looking out for me, taking care of me and making my burdens lighter.”

His eyes sparked at the remembered words from so long ago and he stared at her intently. “I promised.”

She couldn’t sit still any longer and got to her feet, turning towards the viewport. He also stood and took his place beside her. He watched her reflection as she watched his. Her heart was racing. “Yes you did, and you’ve kept that promise. We couldn’t have come this far without you.” Turning towards him she rested her hand on his chest and could feel his heart beat quicken under her hand. “I wouldn’t have survived without you and I’ve never thanked you.”

He relaxed a little. “Kathryn, you don’t have to thank me. I do it because I lo…, because I care.”

Her heart did a flip when she realised what he’d almost said and she wanted to hear more. “I know why you do it and for that I’m thankful as well.” She looked at his face. So familiar and so dear. “Chakotay, there is one thing you could do for me.”

“Anything, Kathryn.”

Her fingers curled into the fabric of his jacket. “Could you hold me?”

His face broke into a beaming smile. “You have to ask?” And without hesitation he pulled her towards him, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight. Kathryn relaxed into his body, leaning into his comforting warmth, her arms wrapped around his waist. His heart thudded under her cheek and his scent surrounded her. This wasn’t the first time they’d embraced but it was the first time she’d been held by him and allowed herself to acknowledge her keen awareness of him. The other times had been brief hugs of reassurance and camaraderie. This was different, and she knew he could sense it too. She concentrated on the way they fit together and the ridges and planes of his body. His broad hard chest gave way to the more yielding tautness of his abdomen. The hard points of his hip bones and the firmness of his thighs pressed against her. She wriggled closer and smiled as she felt the telltale warmth from his groin and felt the slight ridge of his burgeoning arousal. An echoing warmth pulsed within her and she could feel herself swell and moisten. There was a heat and heightened awareness in the air and he slowly pushed her away and looked into her eyes.

“Kathryn?” His brow was knitted in confusion. She felt guilty. No wonder he was confused. She’d always been the one to keep him at a distance.

“I’m sorry, Chakotay.”

His eyes darkened and he nodded. “Me too.” And he turned to go. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Captain.” Jogging down the stairs he was almost to the door, when she called his name.

“Chakotay!”

He stopped but didn’t turn to face her.

“Chakotay.” She saw his shoulders stiffen. “I’m sorry but I’m not sorry.”

He turned to look at her, standing at parade rest, and still frowning. “I don’t understand, Kathryn. What are you sorry and not sorry about?”

“I’m not sorry that we feel the way we feel about one another but I am sorry for not ever having told you.”

“And how do you feel, Kathryn?” He still hadn’t moved.

“I love you. Surely you know that.” Kathryn couldn’t believe that he could be that unaware of her feelings. Taking a few steps forward she leant against the railing.

His expression hadn’t changed. “I’ve always assumed, but I was never sure. It’s a relief to know. I love you too, but you already know that.”

Kathryn frowned. She’d expected….. Well, she wasn’t quite sure what she’d expected but it certainly wasn’t this quiet, almost anticlimactic acceptance. Wasn’t he supposed to be overwhelmed? Weren’t the emotions supposed to erupt, and send him hurtling towards her to sweep her into his arms?

She opened her mouth to ask him what this quiet acceptance was all about but her combadge chirped. She slapped it hard and answered in clipped tones. “Janeway here.”

“Uh, Kathryn? Are you alright?” It was Marika. After last night’s emotional catharsis, they’d planned to have a quiet evening soaking in the Emerald pools of Sumiko III.

“Yes, I’m fine, Marika.” Her eyes were still locked with Chakotay’s.

“Well, don’t be long. We’ve only got the holodeck for 2 hours and there are a lot of pools to soak in.”

“I’m on my way.” She blinked and the emotional connection with Chakotay was broken.

He turned away. “Enjoy your evening, Kathryn.” And he slipped out the door.

Marika spoke again. “Kathryn? Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” She shook herself. “I’ll meet you in holodeck two in ten minutes. Janeway out.”

Eight minutes later she was initiating the program when Marika came around the corner.

Marika looked at Kathryn and immediately knew she was far from fine. She looked troubled and sad. They entered the holodeck in silence, and Marika watched her friend out of the corner of her eye. Kathryn was staring into nothingness and she jolted when Marika touched her arm. “Which way?”

“Oh, um, sorry, over there to the right.” Marika did a double take at Kathryn’s obvious preoccupation, but she didn’t question her. That could wait until they were relaxing in the Emerald pools. Once they were relaxed she’d pounce.

They continued in silence to the first of the springs. They were beautiful. Steam rose off glistening pools of deep blue green. Each was surrounded by ferns and soft foliaged plants. The only noise was the soft humming of insects and the muted calls of birds. It was very restful.

Marika slipped out of her clothes and lowered herself into the warm waters with a sigh. “This is divine.”

Kathryn stripped and climbed in as well. They sat opposite one another letting the warm mineral waters seep into their tense muscles. Kathryn leaned back against the side of the pool and let her eyes close. They snapped opened a moment later. All she could see behind her closed eyelids was Chakotay’s puzzled and hurt look and it pained her that she’d been the cause. But hadn’t she always been? This was something that she needed to remedy, but after his reaction today she wasn’t quite sure how to go about it without causing him even more distress. His reaction had confused her.

Marika rested her head against the side of the pool but watched Kathryn through half closed eyes. She was frowning and looked quite distressed. Marika decided she had to ask. “Okay, Kathryn. What’s the problem? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this rattled. It could only be Chakotay.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. “How very perceptive of you. Yes, it is in a way. Well, in a big way really.” She swallowed. “I told him.”

“Told him? Told him what?”

Kathryn looked back at her friend with a dour look. Marika sat back. “Oh. You told him. And…..” She waited for Kathryn to continue, but she was staring off into space again. Marika moved her head into Kathryn’s line of vision. “I’m thinking dimly lit bar and brandy time. What do you think?”

“I think you might be right. These hot springs are just not doing the job today. Time for something more….. helpful.”

They looked at each other and both chorused. “Alcohol.”

Climbing out of the pool they dressed and Kathryn called up the Sandrine’s program deleting the holograms. They grabbed a bottle of brandy and some snifters and found a table in the back. Kathryn poured a healthy amount of brandy into each glass. She swirled it for a minute or two and then took a swig. Marika followed her lead. They’d had one glass and were a goodly way through the second when Kathryn finally spoke. “You just have to have the real stuff. As lousy as I’m going to feel tomorrow, synthehol just doesn’t cut it on a night like this.”

“Hmmm. Well, are you going to tell me what happened or am I going to have to guess?”

“I told you. I told him.”

“Yes. You told him you loved him.”

Kathryn looked up sharply but then she nodded in resignation. “Yes, I did.”

“And……”

“And nothing. He said he’d assumed I did, but was relieved to know for sure.” Kathryn swallowed past the lump in her throat. “He said he loved me too and then he left.” She took a big slug of brandy. “It sounds so adolescent, but I thought there would be more of a reaction.” She gave a half hearted laugh and took another sip. “Stupid I know.”

Marika sloshed another finger of brandy into Kathryn’s glass. “What did you expect him to do?”

Kathryn laughed in earnest this time. “Do you really want to know?”

Marika gave her an exasperated look. “Yes, of course. Details please.”

“I thought he’d be overwhelmed and throw his arms around me and we’d kiss. He’d be exultant, overjoyed and filled with unbridled passion. I’d be swept along in his enthusiasm and left a quivering mess. But I think I’ve been reading too many of B’Elanna’s Klingon romances. I was rather underwhelmed with his reaction. But I have no right to expect anything.”

“I think you’ll find that he’s just as flabbergasted by the change in your attitude as you were of his under-reaction. It’s been over five years, Kathryn. He’d probably decided that nothing was ever going to happen and he’s just as shaken as you. Give the man a chance.”

“Oh, I’m not angry or anything. I have no right to be. The fact that he still cares is amazing in itself. I’ve never given him any reason to hope. By rights he should have moved on years ago.”

“Love’s a funny thing. I can’t imagine ever loving anyone as much as I love Nanlas. Moot point really, but you get the idea. When you find that person, that one person that you know is the key to your happiness, the keeper of your heart and soul, well there’s nothing else you can do but wait and hope. Chakotay strikes me as that sort of person. Once his mind is made up, then that’s that. Reminds me a little of someone else I know.” She smiled at Kathryn and received a genuine smile in return.

“I guess you’re right.” Kathryn downed the last mouthful of her glass and then stood up. “Marika, will you excuse me. I’ve got to go and see a man about the rest of our lives.”

“Absolutely. Atta girl, Kathryn.” Marika laughed as she watched a slightly tipsy Kathryn Janeway stride out of the holodeck to go and get her man. “Computer, reinstate holograms.” Sandrine’s came to life and Marika sat back and watched the interplay of the various characters. Sandrine made her way to the table.

“Bon soir, Marika. How are you this evening?”

“I’m very well, thank you, Sandrine. And how are you?”

“It does no good to complain, but I will feel better when the bar is full. Are you waiting for the Captain?”

“No, she’s just left. I expect there should be more people along soon.”

“Are you sure you’re feeling alright, mon cheri? You look a little pale. I think you have had enough of the brandy and it is time for you to sleep.”

“I think you may be right, Sandrine. Good night.”

“Bon nuit, mon cheri. Sleep well.”

Marika had been overcome by a wave of intense tiredness and she dragged herself along the corridor to her quarters. Bed sounded so very tempting. She keyed in her code and made her way to the bedroom. Kicking off her shoes, she collapsed onto the bed and within moments she was asleep. Her last thought was of Kathryn and her mission to get her man.

Emboldened with a belly full of brandy, Kathryn strode along the corridor to Chakotay’s quarters. The doors swished open as she approached and her stride slowed. Stepping tentatively into his room her eyes widened at what she saw before her. His quarters were bathed in candlelight and he was standing over by the table, setting two glasses by the placemats. He looked up and smiled as she walked in. “Hello, Kathryn. I programmed the doors to open on your approach. I hoped you’d come but I was going to contact you soon if you didn’t.”

Kathryn was a long way past overwhelmed. In fact she was sailing through flabbergasted and well on her way to thunderstruck and utterly speechless.

“Have you eaten, Kathryn? I’ve made vegetarian lasagne and salad, and I’ve got a bottle of Antarian cider from the cargo bay. I thought you might be hungry after your soak.”

Kathryn just stared at him. He was the most unbelievably kind and caring man she had ever known. How had she not seen all this for what it was? This was all about love. Without taking her eyes from his she walked straight up to him and threw her arms around him and kissed him. Pulling away she smiled at him. “Thank you, I’m starving.”

He laughed, and putting down the cutlery and napkins he was holding, he cupped her face in his large hands. Her arms were still draped around his neck. “I’m pleased to hear that, because there’s plenty. Maybe even enough for seconds.”

She grinned. “Excellent. I don’t think I’ve ever been so hungry.”

He raised an eyebrow and smiled.

Her fingers were stroking through the soft hair on the back of his neck. “In fact I’m ravenous.” Her eyes glittered evilly. “When can we eat?”

His thumb stroked over her lip and she bit at it. His eyes flashed. “We’re not talking about my lasagne, are we?”

Kathryn shook her head as one of her hands stole down his front and cupped his groin. The alcohol had made her bold and after her talk with Marika she’d decided that she wasn’t going to let another night go by without being held in his arms. Who was she kidding, she wanted to have sex with him and lots of it.

“Kathryn Janeway!”

“Oops. Did I say that out loud?”

“Yes, you did.”

“Well, do you think you could fit that into your schedule?”

“Why do I get the feeling we’re not speaking about schedules either.”

She laughed out loud. “I think you’re right. I blame the brandy.”

“Are you still going to feel the same when you can’t blame the brandy? I need to know, Kathryn.”

Her laughter faded and she realised how unsure he was, and much of that insecurity was her fault. Sliding her hand down his arm she wove her fingers through his and with their hands clasped, she pulled him towards the bedroom. He stopped in the doorway and turned her towards him. “Kathryn, you don’t have to prove anything to me. Your word is all I need.”

“You have that, Chakotay. But I need this and I need to do it for you too. I love you, I want you, I need you and I have for many years, but I was just too stubborn and blind to see it. Not anymore. We’re together from this night onwards. I’ll live here with you, or if you prefer, you can live with me in my quarters. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of fighting my feelings for you. I’m just plain tired. I need you by my side, not just as my first officer, but as my lover and my partner in life. Is this what you want? If it isn’t tell me now and we’ll find some way of dealing with it. Tell me, Chakotay. Are you willing to take a step into the unknown with me?”

“It won’t be easy, Kathryn. We’ll disagree. We’ll probably fight like demons. Neither of us is renowned for our conciliatory ways. It could get dangerous.”

“I understand your concerns.” She placed her hand over his heart. “But I know that underneath all of that there’s this abiding love that we have for one another and as long as we nurture that, we’ll survive. I have faith in us, Chakotay. Do you?”

He smiled broadly at her. “Always.”

She tugged his hand and drew him over towards the bed. Standing on her toes she kissed him again and then lifted her hands to his jacket and pulled down the zip. He shrugged it off his shoulders as Kathryn pulled his tee from his trousers. Her hands stole underneath his top and stroked over his stomach and chest. “I’ve always wanted to do that.” She grinned up at him. “Can you take it off?”

He pulled his tee over his head and stood as she contemplated his bare chest. “I want to eat you alive.” Her eyes, dark with desire, flicked up to his.

He barked out a laugh. “You sure you don’t want a piece of that lasagne? I’m getting worried here.”

“So you should be. It’s been a while. Are you up for it, Commander?”

“Being ‘up for it’ has never been a problem where you’re concerned, Captain.” Joy and delight were bubbling over and both looked at the other with love filled eyes. Her hands moved to her jacket but he waved them away. “Let me help you with that.”

He dragged the zip down, slowly rubbing the back of his hand over her breast as he did so. Her nipple pebbled at his touch and his hands slid back up over her breasts and shoulders, slipping her jacket off, and letting it drop to the ground. He moved close, his chest brushing against her breasts as he undid the fasteners on her tee, then tugging it from her pants, he pulled it over her head.

Kicking off her boots, he watched as she shimmied out of her trousers and stood in front of him in just her bra and panties. His eyes travelled slowly up and down her body, drinking her in. “You’re a beautiful woman, Kathryn.”

She looked down at herself and shrugged. “I’m glad you think so.” She nodded towards his pants. “Time to get naked, Commander.”

He shook his head and couldn’t help a chuckle. “Subtle, Kathryn.”

“I didn’t say anything about being subtle. Get them off, now.” He toed off his boots as he undid his fly and slipped out of his trousers.

With her eyes still on his, Kathryn reached behind her back and unclasped her bra. She was about to slip out of her panties, when he shook his head. “Uh-uh. My turn now. Lie down, Kathryn… Please?”

She sat on the edge of the bed and he knelt in front of her. He toyed with her nipples for a few heady moments then placed his hand in between her breasts and pushed her gently back to lie on the bed, leaving her legs draped over the side. Chakotay wedged himself between her knees and sat for a moment as his eyes raked over her semi-clad form before he began stroking up over her thighs and belly. Lifting her head she watched his face as he concentrated on his task. He was deeply engrossed and her head flopped back onto the bed as his hands teased the sensitive skin under her breasts, skimming past her nipples, then dragging back down her sides to follow the same path again. Over and over he stroked her, skirting close to the places that she so badly wanted him to touch, but he missed them each time.

Her skin was on fire. She was aroused almost to beyond her limits and he hadn’t yet touched her intimately. Kathryn was sure that she would explode before he even got close and just when she thought she could bear it no more, he leant forward and nuzzled her through her panties. His nose bumped against her engorged clitoris and her hips jerked towards him. She could feel his hot breath against her and she twitched and throbbed as he muttered, “Beautiful, so beautiful.” against the damp of her panties.

Teeth grazed over her panty clad opening and his tongue drilled at her bundle of nerves as he held her hips steady. Instincts had taken over and she was lost, thrusting wildly towards his mouth. Kathryn clawed at the bed covers, trying to find some purchase to move against this divine torture. In a steady rhythm he moved his mouth over her, up and down, up and down, and as her world started to shatter he moved higher, and through the silky fabric sucked her nub into his mouth, tugging hard. Like a super nova, her orgasm burst over her, great waves of delight enveloping her as she thrust her hips towards him and gasped for breath. He pulled her panties aside, and plunged one then two fingers inside her and watched as her climax surged to a higher plane. Her inner muscles gripped at his invading fingers, the pulses so strong that she could barely catch her breath. After what seemed like an eternity, her straining muscles finally began to relax and he slowly pulled his fingers from her, holding his hand firmly over her still throbbing centre.

As she came back into herself she felt gentle fingers comb through her hair, sweeping it away from her sweaty face. She dragged her eyes open to find Chakotay hovering above her and smiling down at her with eyes filled with love. He kissed her forehead sweetly. “That was so beautiful. Thank you.”

Kathryn stared in wonder at this extraordinary man who had loved her for so long and so unerringly. In a very un-Kathryn like display, she burst into tears. He pulled her into his arms and held her tight. The emotional impact of what she’d just experienced, his unwavering devotion and the brandy were just too potent a mix. She gripped him hard and spoke in a ragged voice. “Oh God, thank you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be crying. I don’t know why I am. I’m just so happy and that was so wonderful. Everything is just so….. I’ve never felt anything like that in my life. Thank you. I love you.” She laughed and cried and hiccupped into his shoulder for a few moments and then pulled away, wiping her eyes and sniffling. “Sorry. What a wreck.”

He grinned at her. “A beautiful wreck.” His thumbs wiped away the last of her tears. Her eyes searched his face. He was the same Chakotay, but just more so. Her fingers traced over the lines of his tattoo, down the bridge of his nose and over his lips. Leaning forward she nipped at his full bottom lip then pulled back and looked deeply into his eyes again. Weaving her hands through his hair she pulled his head towards her and kissed him soundly. Her tongue darted out to play along his lips and then plunged into his mouth. As their tongues met a jolt of electricity shot down her body and she felt the familiar warmth of arousal begin again. Would she ever get enough of him? She doubted it.

With a gasp she pulled her mouth away from his and again touched his lips with her fingertips. Leaning forward, she whispered against his mouth. “I love you.” He moaned and took her mouth in a searing kiss. Kathryn pulled away panting and throbbing with need.

His hands were rubbing over her bottom and with a push she rolled him onto his back and began to stroke and kiss her way down his body, licking and nipping at his warm flesh. She reached the edge of the bed and slid to her feet and removed her panties. Leaning over him she kissed a path down from his navel, following the line of soft hair to the top of his boxers. She ran her hand over him using the silky material to rub up and down his rigid length. He stilled her hand. “I won’t last.” She gave him one last squeeze and hooking her fingers into the waist band of his shorts, she ordered, “Lift.”

He laughed as he raised his hips off the bed. Kathryn pulled off his boxers then stood back and appraised his naked body. He was amazing. His skin was all golden, like warm caramel and his erection lay large and turgid against his belly. Her eyes glinted fire and before he knew what was happening, she pounced on him, enveloping him in her warm mouth, her tongue teasing around the head and sliding over the shaft. The sensation was beyond anything he’d imagined.

She expertly worked his length with her tongue and lips until he grabbed her arms and pulled her away from him. He dragged her body over his until she lay along the length of him. With his hands under her buttocks he hoisted her a little higher and captured her mouth in a warm wet kiss. He thrust his hips against her and in one fluid movement she sat up and straddled him, taking his full length into her hot body. It was so unexpected that he let out a yell, followed by a groaned. “Oh spirits, Kathryn. So good.”

She raised herself on her knees and began to move up and down. He was imbedded so deep within her. The feeling was indescribable. He surged into her. Holding her hips against him, he thrust hard and deep. Through slitted eyes he watched her as she arched her back and groaned. He could feel the telltale twitches of her inner muscles as she rode him towards another climax. His orgasm was boiling up from deep within him and he felt himself tighten and the blood pound into his groin. Suddenly Kathryn threw herself forward, looked into his eyes and rasped, “Chakotay.” And with a groan, she came. In great shuddering thrusts her vagina clamped around him. He was lost and with a roar thrust into her one last time, his hips arched off the bed as he held her hard against him trying to drive into her so far that they could never be parted.

With great gasping breaths Kathryn eventually collapsed against him, moaning into his neck. He ran his hands soothingly over her back and bottom. Her body started to shudder and tremble and he frowned in worry. He was overwhelmed with the passion of this woman and held her close. She pushed away from him and to his surprise she wasn’t crying. Her face was split in a huge grin and she was chuckling. She noticed his expression.

“I’m sorry, Chakotay. I’m just… How can I explain?” She looked around the room and over her shoulder. “Look at it this way. I’m surprised the bulkheads haven’t blown. Wow!”

He smiled up at her. “We’re pretty good, aren’t we?”

“Good? We could sell tickets.” She noticed his shocked expression and laughed. “Hah! Don’t worry. I’d have to drink a whole lot more brandy before I’d ever contemplate that.”

“Kathryn the exhibitionist. I would never have guessed.”

“Well you can forget about guessing and feed me. Strangely I’m really very hungry now.”

“I did offer earlier, but you were busy trying to devour me.”

“As delicious as you are, I’m going to need real sustenance if we’re going to keep this up.”

He gave her a sideways glance and she laughed. “Come on. Up and feed me before I really do take a bite out of you.”

Chakotay leapt out of bed. “Okay, okay, I’m going.”

Kathryn sat back in the bed with a very satisfied smile on her face. What a wonderful thing brandy was.

Kathryn woke early, happy and content in the arms of the man she loved. What a night it had been and what a life she had to look forward to. She would lie here forever if given the choice, but nature called and she also had to get ready for work. Chakotay wasn’t due on the bridge until 09:00, so she slid gently from his arms and climbed out of bed. With loving eyes she stood watching him sleep for a moment and then walked into his bathroom.

Clean and refreshed and wrapped in a towel, she walked out of the bathroom to find an empty bed. “Chakotay?”

“Out here, Kathryn.”

In the living area she found him at the table with two cups of coffee and some muffins. He stood and gathered her into his arms, drawing her into a bear of a hug. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “Good morning, my love.” Standing on her toes she kissed his neck. “You don’t have to get up. You’re not due on duty for hours yet.”

“And miss our first morning together? I don’t think so.” Kissing her forehead he stood back a little and looked at her in her towel. He puffed out a breath. “That brings back memories.”

She grinned. “Lots of memories. Wonderful memories” They stood in one another’s arms reliving moments of their time on New Earth, letting the peace wash over them. Then Kathryn sniffed the air. “I smell coffee?”

Chakotay laughed. “Here you are. Fresh from the replicator and guaranteed to take the lining off your stomach.”

She took a sip and sighed. “Perfect.” Taking another swig, she placed her cup on the table. “The sooner we organise our living quarters the easier this will be. I really have to go and get dressed.” She slipped back into the bedroom and gathered her clothes. She pulled on yesterday’s uniform and wandered back out to the living area. “Meet me for lunch today?”

“Absolutely. Comm me when you’re ready. I only have a couple of appointments this morning and I should be well and truly finished by lunchtime.”

She was standing there grinning at him. He looked at her. “What?”

She shrugged. “Nothing. Everything. This.” She waved her arm around encompassing them and all around. “It’s all so normal and it feels wonderful but ….strange.”

“You mean that here we are in the Delta Quadrant, forty thousand light years from home, with a ragtag crew of ex-criminals and Starfleet, several ex-borg and various other hitch-hikers. You’ve just spent the first night of the rest of your life with the man who you were sent to capture, and who loves you more than life itself, and now we’re discussing which quarters would best suit us, like a couple of newly weds, and you think that’s normal?”

Her face twisted into an amused grin. But then he shrugged. “I suppose for us this is normal. And there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of strange. I think I remember a captain I once knew telling a young ensign that weird was part of the job.”

She laughed. “You’re right. For us this is about as normal as it’s going to get.” She stepped into his arms and kissed him. “Hmmm. As much as I’d like to stay here and ‘discuss’ this further, I really have to go. See you later.” She marched towards the doors and turned around. “I love you.”

“I love you too. See you at lunch.” The doors slid shut behind her and he stood and stared at the closed doors for a few moments as his mind tried to come to grips with all that had happened over the last twenty four hours. He suddenly let out a whoop and punched the air. Life was wonderful.

Kathryn was sitting at her desk checking the gamma shifts reports when her comm chimed. “Sickbay to Captain Janeway.”

She absentmindedly slapped her combadge. “Janeway here.”

“Captain, I think you should come to sickbay.”

Her head shot up. There was something in his voice that didn’t bode well. “What is it, Doctor?” But even as she was asking the question, she knew and whispered. “Marika.” Jumping out of her chair she rushed out the door and up the stairs past Tactical. “I’m on my way, Doctor. Tuvok, you have the bridge. I’ll be in sickbay.” She turned to no one in particular and said. “It’s Marika.”

She disappeared into the lift before anyone could acknowledge her words. The bridge crew all looked around at one another. This would not be a good day. A pervading sense of sadness seeped deck by deck through the ship as word of Marika’s dire condition became known. The corridors and departments were quiet. Even the engines seemed hushed.

Kathryn sat by Marika’s bed holding her hand as she drifted in and out of consciousness. The Doctor had apprised her of Marika’s condition when she first arrived in sickbay. She’d missed her morning appointment and he’d gone to investigate only to find her unconscious in her quarters. He assured Kathryn that she wasn’t in any pain and her passing would be gentle. Kathryn was grateful but it still didn’t help the aching sense of loss that she was feeling. She swiped a tear from her cheek and stared at the brave woman in front of her. She would miss her terribly. Her joy and laughter had brought Voyager to life and Kathryn swore that she would keep that light shining.

Kathryn looked up as the Doctor moved to the side of the bed and checked the readings. He gave her a sad smile and moved away. She felt a tug on her hand and looked up. Marika was looking at her.

Kathryn stroked Marika’s dark hair away from her pale face and smiled. “How are you? You’re not in any pain, are you?”

Marika smiled and shook her head slightly. “No. I’m floating on a cloud. It’s wonderful really.”

Kathryn smiled but a tear toppled over her lashes and she swiped at it. Marika shook her head. “Don’t cry. I’ll be fine. Nanlas is waiting for me and you’ll be fine.” She moved her head slightly and looked behind Kathryn.

Kathryn turned to find Chakotay standing a few feet behind her. He stepped forward and rested his hand on her shoulder. The pressure and warmth were welcome and soothing. She laid her hand over his and gave it a squeeze. Marika smiled and whispered dramatically. “My job here is done.” Then she gave a weak chuckle at Kathryn’s look. “Be happy, my friend, and thank you for making my last few weeks such a wonderful ride.” Her eyes flicked up towards Chakotay. “You’d better tell her about that thing on deck fifteen and… look after her. She can be a bit of a wild one.”

Chakotay leaned past Kathryn and lifted Marika’s hand to his lips and dropped a light kiss on her pale skin. “I’ll guard her with my life. Good journey, Marika.”

She nodded. “Thank you.” Chakotay placed her hand back in Kathryn’s and kissed Kathryn’s cheek. “I’ll take the watch. Call me if you need me.”

Kathryn nodded and Chakotay slipped quietly out of the bay.

Marika gave Kathryn’s hand a weak squeeze. “Well, how was it?”

“What?”

Marika rolled her eyes and whispered. “How was ‘it’? Do I need to say the S word? We’ve got no brandy and I don’t want you to fall off your chair.”

“Oh.” Kathryn looked over her shoulder. “It was wonderful, mind boggling, out of this world, amazing. But we shouldn’t be talking about that…”

“Why?”

“Because….”

“I’m not dead yet.”

Kathryn’s face crumpled.

“That was supposed to be a joke. Don’t cry please, Kathryn. We’ve talked about this. It’s not like it’s a surprise. Please don’t be sad. I won’t be happy if you’re sad. You’ve got so much to enjoy now. Promise me you’ll live the rest of your life like you’ve lived the last few weeks. You both deserve it.”

“I will. I don’t think I’ll have much choice. He makes me so happy.”

“Wonderful.” Marika’s eyes drooped then she looked up again with effort. “It won’t be long now, Kathryn. I hope you make it home, but just remember that your real home is in your heart. Be true to it. Love and be joyful. Goodbye, my friend.”

Kathryn held Marika’s hand against her cheek and the tears flowed unchecked. “Goodbye, Marika. Bless you, my friend.” Marika gave a weak smile and her eyes closed for the last time.

The Doctor moved silently to the side of the bed and shook his head, whispering quietly. “It won’t be long now. Would you like me to stay?”

Kathryn shook her head. “No. I’ll stay.”

“She would like that. I’ll be in my office.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

He gave a nod and walked away.

Marika slipped quietly from life. Here one moment and gone the next. It seemed fitting somehow. The Doctor must have been monitoring her from his office and moved to her side as she gave her last breath. He gave Kathryn a sad smile but she already knew it was over. She’d felt her leave. Standing she took one last look at her friend then turned and left the bay.

* * *

She’d wandered the halls for some time now, unthinking of her path or destination. Several crew had passed her, but had only quietly acknowledged her and moved on. This was everyone’s loss, but hers first and foremost. She suddenly had the sensation of being watched and looked up. Chakotay was standing at the end of the corridor, waiting for her. Without hesitation she walked straight towards him and into his waiting arms. He held her close and whispered into her ear. “It’ll be alright, my love?”

She nodded her head and then shook it. “I know, but it doesn’t feel like it just now. But I’ll be alright.”

He pulled away from her but put his arm around her shoulder. “Yes, you will.” He kissed her forehead, then pulled back a little further. “Come with me. I have something to show you.”

They made their way to the mess hall. The lights were dimmed and candles had been placed throughout the room. Over in the corner, where several crewmen hovered, stood a large ornate lamp. Tal Celes, Tabor and Gerron were lighting the last of the candles and stood back as the captain approached.

Tal Celes stepped forward. “Captain, Marika spoke to us,” She indicated the two other Bajoran crewmen and herself, “and asked us to replicate this for you. It’s a Duranja Lamp, a Bajoran ritual prayer lamp.” Kathryn nodded and Celes continued. “Marika said she had discussed with you the rituals that would follow her death.” Kathryn nodded again. “She said you would know what to do and to take solace in the knowledge that she would know.”

Kathryn looked at the ornate lamp and was deeply moved. Yes she knew exactly what Celes was talking about. She took the young Bajoran woman’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Thank you, thank you all. This is wonderful. Marika would be so pleased.” She nodded towards it and asked. “May I?”

They stood back as she knelt in front of the lamp. She held her hands in a cupped position in front of the small gold oil burner which held the flame and recited the words that Marika had taught her. As she spoke, the three Bajoran crewmen joined her prayer.

“raka-ja ut shala morala… ema bo roo kana… uranak… ralanon Marika Willkarah… propeh va nara ehsuk shala-kan vunek”*

It seemed to Kathryn that the flame burned a little brighter and she smiled at the people around her. Rising, she took Chakotay’s hand, and they walked out of the mess hall and silently made their way back to her quarters.

The memorial service was held in Sandrine’s. Tom and many of Marika’s friends thought that it would be a fitting farewell. Although the crew were sad about her passing, the service was far from sombre. Kathryn was pleased. Marika would have wanted it this way. There was singing and dancing and many moments of shared memories of a woman who had spent such a short time with them but who had made such an impression.

Later that evening, Kathryn leant against Chakotay’s shoulder as they sat together on the couch in his quarters and spoke quietly of love, loss and grief. They were both intimately acquainted with all three, but their love was a balm to their wounded souls and their closeness was succour to their battered spirits. It wrapped around them like a warm blanket and kept them whole.

Just before they headed to bed, Chakotay pulled a bag from beside the couch. Kathryn frowned at him in question. “What’s this?”

“I was hoping you could enlighten me. Marika dropped it here a couple of nights ago and said to give it to you after she was gone.”

Kathryn gave a half laugh. “Knowing Marika, I’m not sure I want to know.” But she opened the bag then grinned up at Chakotay. She pulled out a couple of pitons and clamps. “It’s our climbing gear. She’s not giving up, is she?” She smiled happily up at her lover. “How do you feel about throwing yourself off a mountain tomorrow, Commander?”

“Where you go, I’ll follow.”

She cupped his cheek. “No. Together.”

He nodded, then took her hand, and pulled her up from the couch. They walked into his bedroom arm in arm, but just as they entered the room she stopped and turned to him. “Oh, and by the way, what is the ‘thing’ on deck fifteen?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Come to bed, Kathryn.”

-End- 

* _Translation_ : Do not let her walk alone…guide her on her journey…protect the one named Marika Willkarah and take her to the gates of heaven.


End file.
